


Saudade

by WindyQ



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Give Killua theeee loveeee he deserves, Gonkillu - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, the longest one shot ive ever done lol, think that’s the most I’ve ever written period tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 07:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26968474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindyQ/pseuds/WindyQ
Summary: Killua isn’t sure how long they stay there. Gon’s arms wrapped around him. He doesn’t want to admit how safe and warm and comforting it was either, or that his eyelashes start to flutter shut. Everything is distant and so indistinct, and Killua just wants to protect Gon from his family, not make him angry enough to go up there and start a fight. At some point he’s been picked up and carried, tucked under blankets, so softly, so warmly. Too much warmth... and he can hear Mito’s voice in the background. It only makes him feel warmer. They were all too... too...He was gonna burn out.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Mito Freecs, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Mito Freecs & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 8
Kudos: 117





	Saudade

“Gon what is that?”

Gon stops in his tracks, readjusting his backpack straps, turning back to his best friend.

He looks to where Killua is staring, tilting his head.

Killua is looking intently as if trying to figure out a puzzle, hands stuffed in the pockets of his purple pants.

Gon follows Killua’s gaze landing on a couple, the guy holding out a neatly wrapped present, red bow on top.

“Oh! He’s giving her a gift! You know? A present!” Gon taps his feet together excitedly. He always liked when Aunt Mito got him gifts, especially when she wrapped them!

“Hmmm...”

Killua leans back, Gon studying his friends features, the way his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly, and his lips pressed together to conceal a frown.

Killua tugs his hands out of his pockets, bringing his arms behind his head, looking away as the woman jumps into the arms of the man.

He laughs, kicking a leg out.

“Seems kind of excessive, don’t you think?”

Gon looks back and forth between the couple and his friend for a moment.

“Has Killua ever gotten a gift before?”

Killua could turn away and act like it is something stupid all he wants, but Gon caught a flicker of sadness in his deep blue eyes.

Killua shrugs shoving his hands back into his pockets.

“No. I was raised as an assassin, remember?”

He says it so easy like it was something normal. Killua himself hates how it’s something that can just slip past his lips, although it burns when he swallows, and he quickly ducks away from Gon heading up front, so he won’t catch a crack in his mask.

“Oh.”

Is all Gon says before he looks at the ground in thought, then at Killua’s back.

“Does Killua want one?”

Killua’s eyes go wide, and he chokes back a gasp.

“No. I don’t need something silly like that.”

Killua swallows down his desires like he swallows down his saliva at that moment, harshly and painfully. He buries it somewhere, somewhere unknown where all his dumb childlike desires and wishes rest. He doesn’t spare them a thought. It’s not like someone like him could have those things, there was no point in hoping. So he just carves out a hole in his heart and tosses it away. For a moment his chest would tighten and his throat would burn, he’d spare one last glance back, and then move on.

It’s no different here. He looks back quickly for just a second out of mere curiosity before tugging a hand out and gesturing to Gon in a wave.

“C’mon, Gon! Let’s get going!”

—  
—

He always threw those thoughts out or so Killua thought.

But a day after looking at the box Ging left Gon; while Gon shows him a collection of beetles, Mito comes into the kitchen with a small wrapped gift. Killua’s attention is immediately drawn, eyes following as she sits down.

“Gon.”

Gon perks up, placing the beetle back in its little cage, and Killua finds himself looking down like he shouldn’t even be here. He stares at the edge of the bug cage, a bright green.

“Is that for me?!”

Gon’s excited voice, makes Killua look down at his lap, he could imagine Gon’s bright-eyed expression from his tone of voice alone.

“Now, now settle down.”

Mito chides Gon, and Killua sinks slightly down in his chair. He really doesn’t feel like he should be here right now, sparing a glance to Mito and the box.

She had a firm stern look of endearment in her eyes a hand on her hip, as she hands the little gift wrapped box over to Gon.

“Everyone chipped in to get this for you, it is for passing the exam, be sure to thank them, alright, young man?”

Gon nods excitedly grabbing the box, and he’s already ripping into it as he speaks.

“I promise! Thank you, Aunt Mito!”

Mito sighs, but smiles softly.

“Look, Killua!”

Killua almost jumps at Gon’s sudden yelling and addressed at him no less. He had sort of just been ignoring the situation, fiddling with his fingers in his lap while not looking directly at them.

Killua shifts his eyes up, coming face to face with a miniature copper fishing rod.

“Isn’t it cool?!”

Even though he still feels out of place; more than ever, Gon’s energy and large smile naturally brings a small one to his too, and he indulges the boy, nodding.

“Yeah, it sure is.”

Mito sends him a warm smile, and he quickly ducks his head down; again, pink flushed against his cheeks.

Gon is giggling and twirling around with it, and Killua finds it a perfect opportunity to excuse himself and leave before this situation gets much more awkward. This was obviously supposed to be a family moment, and he just feels like he’s intruding.

“Hey? Aunt Mito? Did you get Killua something?”

He is midway through getting ready to jump of his chair when Gon speaks and makes his mind and body equally grind to a screeching halt.

His stomach churns, and he grips the edge of the wooden table, feeling ill all of a sudden. That can’t be right, assassins don’t get sick. His heart beat speeds up rapidly, and his hands feel sweaty, long pale digits digging into wood like a lifeline.

“I would have if someone had told me he had a guest coming in advance!”

“Ehhh, but I!”

“I am terribly sorry, Killua.”

Killua looks up slowly, Mito having a hold on Gon’s ear, who was whining and flailing his arms about. The worse part was how genuine she sounded and looked. Even with a strong grip on Gon, she shoots Killua a apologetic look, eyebrows drawn down, and eyes reflecting guilt, lips pressing down in a frown.

“It’s fine, really.”

Killua shakes his head, straining a smile.

“I didn’t pass the exam anyway.”

There was no need, no need for anyone to go out of their way for him. He didn’t want to make Gon’s aunt feel bad. Gifts weren’t a thing in a family like his anyway... a bunch of killers getting gifts? Milluki would always just tell him they can buy whatever they want...

“Sorry, may I be excused.”

The words spill from his lips before he can stop them coming out in a jumbled rush, not even really a question, and he jumps down, quickly sliding the chair in, jolting away.

“Killua, wait!”

Gon. Of course.

“Not so fast, young man! I am not done with you!”

—  
—

He ascends the stairs in a rush, stumbling over the last step, years of training alone keeping him from falling on his face. Mito is scolding Gon about something downstairs, and Gon is still whining. It’s endearing and almost brings a ghost of a smile to his lips. His heart twists the knife digging deeper, and he runs to Gon’s room opening the door and shutting it, fast and harsh.

Killua finds solace in a corner of the room, legs tugged up, so he can stay as tucked into the wall as possible. The sunlight coming through the window is warm against his skin, but he still feels cold. His stomach still feels uneasy, but it was unlike the nausea felt when he had been trained to endure poisons.

He still feels sick.

It burns in his chest, some annoying little feeling itching away under his skin, and Killua drags nails across that porcelain pale skin until it burns red, blotchy and discolored. He swallows salvia, dipping his head down, letting fluffy white locks tickle his knees. He wants nothing more than to share that same excitement Gon had. He wanted to reflect the same large, bright grin, be happy Gon had such a cool little dumb trinket. He felt awful, guilt gnawing away. How selfish and stupid was he that he couldn’t share in that happiness Gon had. Give that same proud smile Mito did... instead he felt green... envy...

The memory of Milluki sitting there eating a hole right through a bag of chips resurfaced. One where Killua was watching him play away at some dating simulator game. He had forgotten it up until now... even the events earlier in the week hadn’t dug up the memory, but for some reason at that moment it clawed itself up. Bright blue sapphire eyes would look in excitement as Milluki would choose some perfect gift for the girl of his choosing, and he would ask, ask the same thing he had asked Gon.

Milluki would scoff and say it was just a ‘dumb gift’ and when he would ask if he could have one, his brother would snort and retort that assassins have no need for gifts, and Father could buy them anything they wanted. Call him a big baby, and that ‘Kil, you better get that dumb idea out of your head or Mama will punish you.’ That was the end of it.

He was right... he really is just a big baby...

“Killua!”

Killua’s head snaps back up at alarming speeds, and he rubs at red and tired eyes. He looks to see Gon standing in the frame of the doorway. Gon places the little statue down on his desk before walking over and leaning down near Killua.

Gon looks excited like he’s ready to tell him something, dimples showing and large hazel brown eyes sparking like the sun. His face falls quickly, concern painting across his features, and resting on a furrowed brow.

“Is Killua alright?”

“I-I’m fine... what were you going to say?”

Gon frowns, but quickly perks back up.

“Aunt Mito’s gonna make a cake! And she wanted to know if Killua wanted to help!”

“...Killua?”

Killua gives a weak noise of affirmation, looking at him with glassy eyes before slumping over rather unceremoniously, his head hitting the floor before Gon can even react.

Gon, who then proceeds to yell and promptly panic.

“KILLUA!”

Killua groans, pushing his face into the cold of the floor, cheek smushed against it.

Gon gathers him before Killua can even find the strength himself, his hands on his shoulders, pressing his forehead against Killua’s own. Gon’s action messes up his bangs in the process, sticking them out to the sides and up in all sorts of directions. Killua grunts placing his hands on the top and bottom of Gon’s face, pushing him away.

“Stop that!”

Gon seems unphased by this, concern shinning in wide doe eyes.

“Is Killua sick? He didn’t feel warm, but he doesn’t look good either...”

Gon tips his head, looking at Killua like he’s a math equation he has to solve.

Killua attempts to tug silver locks into place, looking up at Gon, eyebrows scrunched together and lips tightened in a scowl.

“I’m fine.”

Assassins don’t get sick. He just fell off... so bizarrely off. His tank top was sticking to his sides, and he did feel hot, a little dizzy, but logically it must be because the weather was warm... He just wishes Gon would stop staring at him with that sympathetic look... he doesn’t deserve it... he doesn’t deserve Gon’s kindness, or Mito’s, or anyone’s...

“Killuuuuaaaaaa...”

Killua meets Gon’s pouting face with a glare, crossing his arms.

“Don’t whine!”

Gon sends him back determined pointed stare which takes the wind right out of Killua, and all the words he might have wanted to say die in his throat as a bead of sweat trickles down sticky skin.

“I’m just worried about Killua.”

Annoyance and guilt start to build up in his chest, and Killua bites down on his lip drawing blood, fighting an oncoming headache. Stop it. Stop caring so much.

“I’m fine, Gon.” His tone drops a whole level bangs shading his eyes, he gives an icy cold piercing stare, mirroring the harshness and chill of his voice.

Gon was stubborn to a fault though. He wouldn’t drop something once he had cemented himself in it. He stands up, giving himself the higher ground.

“Killua is not fine.”

Killua has had enough. He buried everything, over and over, but that plaster holding it together would wear and tear and eventually fall.

“I SAID I’M FINE, GON!”

Killua jumps to his own feet so fast all the blood goes rushing to his head and his vision is overcome with colorful dots and edged darkness for a moment. He stumbles, breath coming out ragged, teeth bared, and fists clenched.

Gon looks equally pissed, brows drawn down, and jaw clenched tightly, his fists shaking. Killua catches a glimpse of hurt in the anger swirling in those honey eyes and Killua forgets how to breathe and somehow feels more sick than before.

His legs give out.

Gon grips at his forearms with more strength than needed, and Killua’s legs shake, and he ends up gripping at Gon’s shirt desperate to not fall. He presses his forehead down into Gon’s shoulder, ignoring how his whole body is trembling.

Gon slowly lowers them both down, and Killua feels he can breathe slightly once more when he feels the touch of the ground beneath his feet and rubbing against his knees.

“I’m sorry...”

Killua mumbles out meekly, his nose dipping down into the white cloth, his whole body aching and ablaze, his head pounding.

“I’m not mad at Killua.”

Gon’s voice holds an uneasy tone that makes Killua want to flinch, he finds himself too terrified to tug away and look at Gon’s face.

“I’m mad at them.”

Killua’s heart skips a beat, and he chuckles grimly into Gon’s shirt. Gon hadn’t seemed to have shown any real resentment to his family in front of him before... it makes his heart race, but also makes it jump up into his throat in anxiousness.

Leorio and Kurapika had told him how Gon had broken his brother’s arm, how angry he had been, but Killua couldn’t quite believe it to be true.

Until now.

Gon was shaking, and not for the same reason he was, his fists were entangled in Killua’s tank top, and he was holding on to the younger like he would disintegrate into nothing... like his family would take him away again if he didn’t.

Killua isn’t sure how long they stay there. Gon’s arms wrapped around him. He doesn’t want to admit how safe and warm and comforting it was either, or that his eyelashes start to flutter shut. Everything is distant and so indistinct, and Killua just wants to protect Gon from his family, not make him angry enough to go up there and start a fight. At some point he’s been picked up and carried, tucked under blankets, so softly, so warmly. Too much warmth... and he can hear Mito’s voice in the background. It only makes him feel warmer. They were all too... too...

He was gonna burn out.

—  
—

“Mmmnggh...”

Killua forces dead heavy eyelids open, his body feeling weighed down, and his forehead surprisingly cool. He sits up, and something slips from his head onto his lap. Killua picks it up, recognizing it to be a small white cloth pretty fast. Although, he doesn’t understand why it was on his head.

He is also buried in blankets, that explains the weight. Killua holds the limp damp cloth, looking around dumbfounded.

“Oh! You’re awake! How do you feel, honey?”

Mito halts in her path down the hallway, walking through the partially opened door to Gon’s room. She was holding a basket full of towels, adjusting it to her hip.

“I’m fine.”

A mantra he had learned throughout his years. If he wasn’t fine then he was bruised and whipped and trained harder.

He wants to melt at how softly spoken and kind she is. It’s too much...

She walks over, her footsteps the opposite of Gon’s rambunctious energetic ones, Killua could hear those from three rooms down.

“I apologize about all the blankets. They were Gon’s idea. You know how that boy can be.”

She sighs, shaking her head, but her soft smile curves just slightly more when she mentions Gon. It was a different smile from the one his Mother gave when she screeches about how proud she is of him. What a great assassin he’ll make. The shrill voice still rings in his ears at times, and his heart aches a great deal hearing such a gentle one in comparison. Gon was full of light and kindness, it was easy to see why... meanwhile he was nothing but darkness and sorrow... one who didn’t deserve such love.

Killua almost visibly flinches when she places a hand on his forehead, every trained part of him wanting to jerk away, while every broken dream of a child wanted to lean in.

So he does neither.

“Hmmm, you don’t seem to feel warm, but take is easy, you here? You’re our guest here, so don’t worry about a thing.”

She begins to walk away, looking back for a second.

“If you need anything don’t hesitate to ask.”

Killua fiddles with the cloth in his hands, nodding shyly and keeping his crystal blue eyes down.

“...Thank you.”

It’s a mere whisper, and he doesn’t know if she even hears it walking away, keeping the door open a crack, but he echoes it out quietly anyway.

—  
—

“KILLLUUUUAAAAAA!” Had Killua not heard Gon’s loud footsteps smacking against the bare ground before he had reached the room, the shouting had definitely done it. Killua picks up Aunt Mito telling him to lower his voice, before Gon swings the door open a large smile plastered all over his face.

He doesn’t even give Killua a second to breathe running over to the bed and jumping on the edge, disorienting the younger.

“Wha- Gon.”

“Killua are you okay now?”

“I’m fine.”

Killua replays out the same thing he had done with Mito earlier, placing the cloth he’s still holding to the side.

Gon pouts, cheeks larger than a squirrel’s and Killua almost laughs at how weird Gon looks. Had he still not felt so drained he would have probably even grabbed them too.

Killua didn’t plan on dropping the act he'd act ten times more stubborn than Gon if he has to.

Gon hasn’t given up either clearly just putting it to the side for later, before a grin is back on his face, and he’s tugging something out of his pocket and placing it in front of Killua.

A small box with a little bow on the front that shatters Killua’s mind.

“Gon, you didn’t have to...”

Words rushed out, as he tries to take it all back. All the things that had lead Gon to this conclusion.

He felt so conflicted, something in the back of his mind taunting. ‘Is this not what you wanted?’ No he didn’t! Killua didn’t... he gave up on it a long time ago... even if he wanted something so dumb and stupid and simple, and completely, completely fun... he wasn’t worthy of kindness, not with the blood on his hands. He didn’t have the right to untie that pretty little bow on-top. He didn’t have the right for someone to look at something like him and want to give. Not when he was nothing but darkness and dismay...

There Gon was giving that ever so bright, dumb smile, and Killua can feel his heart drop to the pit of his stomach.

“No, but I wanted to!”

Killua snorts, laughing for a minute. A genuine laugh, soft pink lips curving up into a smile. Gon’s logic was ever flawed... and he loved every little bit of it... he doesn’t deserve someone like Gon or Mito... or love that wasn't twisted and flawed... but...

Gon keeps looking back and forth between the present and Killua clearly teetering on the edge of excitement and impatience before he takes it upon himself to slip the bow off and open the cover.

Killua is about to snap, sheesh, stupid, Gon! Did he have no patience? That was supposed to be the first gift ever he would unwrap! His attention is caught by something sparkling blue, and he bites his tongue and holds back the lashes of words he was about to spill, looking down.

Killua gently picks up the small object in-between daintily long fingers. A small hairpin no larger than a key, genuine silver, with a blue flower crystal as the centerpiece, surrounded by smaller silver crystals. His breath was taken away.

“It’s beautiful...”

Gon looks more than pleased with himself a cheeky grin imprinted on his face, and the palms of his hands drumming against his knees.

“Does Killua like it? I wanted to get him something amazing like Aunt Mito always does for me!”

“I-I guess...”

He mumbles, cheeks being painted a pretty pink against porcelain white.

Gon plucks the pin from his fingers, shuffling closer until Killua can feel the heat radiating off of him, making his ears burn, and his heart stammer and pick up in pace.

Gon slowly runs his fingers through the left side of Killua’s hair catching some of his bangs and gently pulling them back. With every touch Killua’s heart quickens somehow more beneath flushed skin. It pounds in his ears, and he feels sick at the touch.

Physically ill. His breakfast flops back and forth, and he wonders why he hadn’t eaten more. Killua focuses on the veins in his wrists, blue and dark, easy to spot amongst the smooth pale flesh. He sort of admires how they had healed, as if they had never been red and bruised and cut into from chains. Of course, they would have taken extra care to mend up and apply healing ointment to a joint as important as this...

“Done!”

Killua feels strong warmth leave his side, and he almost wants to cry. Kicking himself for not holding on to a moment that may never happen again, and cherishing it. Instead, he tries to gain that warmth from simply looking at Gon. His mere presence making his chest feel light.

“Well?”

Killua whispers, sheepishly tugs at a stray string on his shorts, pulling at it watching it extend slowly.

“Well?”

Gon repeats what he says tilting his head like a lost puppy waiting for instructions, slowly mulling over Killua’s question.

“Oh!”

Aunt Mito had used to do this too! He never understood why she didn’t see the obvious...

“It looks great on Killua! He looks really pretty! Killua always looks pretty!”

Killua’s mouth goes dry, and he rips the string out with so much force it’s a surprise he hadn’t unravelled the entirety of his shorts. His chest feels like it is going to combust, his skin burning to the touch, crimson blotching his cheeks, the tip of his ears, and even the nape of his neck.

“Wh-wh-wh...! You can’t just say stuff like that!”

“Isn’t that what Killua wanted to know?”

Killua blanches, stammering digging his nails into the fabric near his chest.

“N-no! I wanted to know what... what you wanted to do next, you, you, moron!”

His eyes sting almost as much as his chest, feeling oddly compressed and tight. A few big goblets of warmth cascade down his cheeks, and he scrubs at them furiously only adding to the redness of his cheeks.

“Killua? What’s wrong?”

Gon sounds panicked clambering over to the other boy superfast.

His fingers grip at lithe wrists, and Killua shakes his head, wishing all his hair was back in front of his face, so he could hide... the entire left side of his face was exposed, bangs having been pulled back, leaving only small wisps of baby hair, until the midsection of his bangs, with longer strands being the starting point now.

“N-nothing, stupid. I’m fine.”

There was that word again... Gon’s grip tightens slightly when he says it. Killua was just trying to reassure Gon before he started to question if it was something he had done.

Gon frowns, and looks over Killua who was dipping his head down, the light catching on his clip and making moonlight hair seem even brighter.

“I’m fine, really...”

Gon can feel Killua shaking under his touch, and he opens his mouth to argue, but Killua tugs away, jumping off the bed and wiping underneath his eyes, laughing.

“C’mon, Gon, lets get going.”

Killua hadn’t thought it possible to feel this light. His cheeks might be hurting so much from smiling, even through the treble of his heartbeat and rush of embarrassment.

Gon looks at him for a moment before smiling wide and nodding, jumping off the bed and running in place enthusiastically for a moment before rushing down the stairs.

Killua waits until Gon is out of view to let fingertips rest on the slight touch of cool metal, something naturally cold to the touch and yet holding so much warmth his heart might explode. He shoves one hand in his pocket letting the other linger for just a moment before he follows suit, climbing down the stairs.

That was the first time those words hadn’t been a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> For those waiting on my chap story I am sorry it’s been hecka long I’ve written bits and pieces, but the reality is I’m hecky exhausted always. And brain do what brain want first esp since it’s always tired, so I just write what I have in there at the moment when I’m not tireddddd. Sisjksiskskz
> 
> So I am sorry.
> 
> Thanks for reading hrdyugyuh kudos and comments be appreciated, but I mean I’m just grateful anyone reads my dumb dumb stuff, so thank you 😭😭😭😭😭🤧🤧🤧
> 
> I’m just trying to give Ki the love he deserves 
> 
> If I butchered Mito I am sorry iiiiiiiii am terrified of being roasted tbh even when I’m just writing Killua and Gon, butttt please go easy on meeee if you gonna roast only go medium rare plzzz don’t turn me into crispy burnt steak. 
> 
> I really loved writing this one, but idk I feel it’s a downgrade frghhwhhwhwhhwhwhhwhw maybe it’s been so long that I don’t know how to write anymore, and I just degraded. Oh god that’s terrifying lol forgive me, my stuff wasn’t anything astonishing in the first place, so I’m ehehueusisiieisiisisisisuususisisiisisisisisi, oh god I feel so bad. 
> 
> I really just said let’s smoosh a whole buncha shit and ideas in here together though. 
> 
> Killua deserves love! Add me on my discord if you wanna chat or RP with my Killu WindyQ#6831 or here’s tumbles as per the usual! http://windyqs.tumblr.com/


End file.
